I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
