if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
