the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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