my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
