He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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