i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
