What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
