There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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