are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
