coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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