God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
