Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
