There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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