Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
