I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
