i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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