I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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