mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
