If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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