im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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