i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
