I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
