I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
