wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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