fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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