you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
