where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
