couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
