i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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