why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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