i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
