I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
