Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
