I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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