I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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