dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
