NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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