thus making me awesome and them whores
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
