and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
