The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You need a sexual gate keeper
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
