I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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