Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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