Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
