And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
