that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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