this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
