Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
