I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
