This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
