GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
